A Lucrative Life?

Wow! I'm getting quite addicted with this blog thingy! Personally sometimes (only sometimes) better than a concrete existent journal but the latter can sometimes have its own advantages such as your true colors show through your handwriting and the way you organize the sentences. Here on electronic journals, things are somewhat automatically organized. Damn it, that is SO unlike me! Why I'm Jiea Dee! I'm born to be disorganized! I'm used to having my things scattered almost everywhere. Once my cellphone ended up inside the freezer! Don't ask me why I put it there! Maybe I was semi-catatonic that time but I wasn't on drugs! I just thought of putting it there! I don't know what triggered my mind to do so!

I once scanned this book on better writing. It didn't exactly contain tips but quotes. One quote was somewhat disturbing... "Write what you're afraid of." Brrr... That's one thing I never thought of doing. There are a lot of things I'm afraid of. Once I was scared of death for absolutely no reason at all. It felt as though fear came from within, not without. It feels as if even my pen itself is afraid to write. Right now as I type this, I feel somewhat scared. Maybe I'm being haunted again. Haunted. Reminds me of that song by Evanescence.

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
And all this time I've been so hollow inside

*Sigh* Many things surprise me. Like how people view life for example. I'm intrigued my Heimer's description. He once told me that life is not actually worth living since you'll just die in the end. Death is the most gratifying gift for anyone who thinks of life as mortal hell. 'Sides, Dumbledore once said that death is but another great adventure. Some refer to it as the other world. I don't know how it feels like dying and most of all to be dead. I am still alive. Heimer once told me...

"Whats' the use of living when you'll just die in the end? Right now life is tormenting me like hell. I feel wothless. I feel unloved. I feel I have no purpose. If this is how life treats me then I might as well just end it all. I'd rather be free of pain than suffer for long. why do we have to go through this? We all die, right? So I might as well end it now."

I can't blame Heimer for having that mentality in the first place. He believes that God does exist but he has no religion. I respect his choice but it might be better for him if he practiced a religion particularly Christianity. Now he doesn't understand why we should love our enemies. Why love those who make life hell for it? That's absolutely crap!! Heimer... You just don't understand yet I'm not in the right place to scold you. Maybe one day, I'll teach you about the Bible and of God's word and miracles. Maybe one day that life is worth living in the first place.

Even my reveries can be life itself...