Thanks Mom...

It’s been almost a week since Mom flew from Puerto Princesa and gave me a short visit. Although it lasted only three days, it’s three days worth a generous portion in my memory. It's sort of hard to think that all this time I hated Mom for being such an authoritarian and worry-wart. She worries over the trivial things thinking that I've already gotten into an unsurvivable accident! I know Mom only worries since there's always a possibility I might get in trouble...or even killed. Of course I've thought about that too but it doesn't automatically mean that I’ll go outside with the constant thought of being ambushed. That’s just far too paranoid.

But still I know Mom means well. She may rule with an iron fist but at least she’s not as control-freaky as Tita Cherry. I wanna condemn myself for hating her so much all this time. Why did I fail or even refuse to understand her side? I may have forgiven Pops but it’s considerable easier on my part since I’m not the one being harassed and betrayed; Mom is. Why didn’t I think of putting myself in Mom’s shoes and actually be saturated in all the years of hell she has gone through? I’m sorry Mom. I shouldn’t have been so tactless and misled. I’m sorry I took your way of caring for granted. I’m sorry I misunderstood. I’m sorry Mom…

I’m glad I listened to Pops. He told me not to blame Mom for everything and that all this tragedy was dominantly his fault. “Don’t hate or blame your Mom. It’s not her fault. I’m the one to blame for everything. It’s my fault that we’re like this right now but still I’m doing what I can to place things back together again. Somehow, I still believe in miracles.”

I believe in miracles too and I hope one is bound to happen soon…

Eventually, since my first day on my own here in Manila, I hated Mom. Yet as the days walked on by almost unknowingly, Mom would text me asking me if I’m alright. That alone surprised me. It’s when it has transpired in me that Mom still cares despite of what I think and feel about her. It’s hard to believe that even simple one-liner text messages can drive me to write an essay about how I really feel for Mom. I would usually answer with “Of course I’m alright, Mom!”. Yeah, I felt alright just with the consoling feeling that Mom still cares.

“Do you hate me?” Mom would ask me that since after she moved out of the house back in Puerto. Of course I couldn’t just say it directly in front of her face but the fact is I hated her for not being able to forgive Pops and for just letting our family shatter but still, it wasn’t Mom’s fault.

Almost two weeks ago, Mom flew from Puerto to give me a visit here in Manila. Even if still only small fragment of hate remains, it felt so good to know that she’s here with me. I’m glad she brought the bratty Eliza with her too. It has only illuminated on me the true care of Mom and how it’s completely different with her around. At least I get the feeling that I’m being well taken care of. I mean I’m not maltreated here in Tito Davy’s place. It’s just that Mom knows how to do it right. I just hope Mom would have the time to visit me here again. It’s completely different with her around. Much more consoling…

Thanks Mom…