Past Torments - When Time is Troubled

Time to pay attention the month of August. Again, time is so damn fast. So fast that it doesn’t even give chances for other more important things such as…thinking perhaps. From how I see it, hardly anyone bothers with thinking, saying it’s just a waste of time. But screw them! Thinking can actually change one’s life! I’m a living example! Too much thinking can result down to only two consequences. 1 – You soar higher or 2 – You are pulled down. Don’t argue with me regarding that! I’ve done too much thinking and both sequences have already befallen upon me! Now I’m brought back to the year 2004. My darkest and most desperate year. The year when I experienced implicit anguish. Thinking played a large part in that emotional darkness. In my mind were conclusions that I was one worthless wench.

This might take long both in time and writing space but one attempt is worthwhile. It’s been one short and fast year since I was once saturated in that well of darkness. Even when the sun shone, it could not illuminate away the unseen blackness I was in. This so called darkness was composed of a whirlwind of frustrations and they included my crisis of a family quandary, my pitiful studying performance back in Fourth Year High School, the thought of being left behind in college applications and most of all, the fear that I may never be reborn from the sin of addiction to Ragnarok Online. Now the task of thinking revolved concurrently among all those plagues. What was I to do? I was helpless. Greatly helpless. I couldn’t do anything and those damned opinions from Mom never helped a thing. “How can you possibly go to college if you’re like that!?” Maybe if only Mom reconciled with pops about their crisis then maybe all this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I once blamed Mom for being largely responsible for what I was then and she just reacted hysterically saying that I should put the blame on Pops. Well I’ve done that already a long time ago and I’ve done it in the past and I’ve done it too much! Why can’t Mom ever accept her deficiencies for once, always saying that it’s all Pop’s fault? Pops also had faults among us but what did we do? We forgave him, didn’t we!?

Mainly that time, I played Ragnarok Online not to have fun but to forget. RO has this unexplainable alcohol effect. Every time I log into the game, all problems just evanesce and are replaced with ataraxy. The only difference with the game and alcohol is that RO won’t alter your way of thinking. I was thankful for RO for that. It was an alter-dimensional reverie. An escape portal from the cruelty and tyranny of reality. That was RO’s purpose to me that time.

So I played RO to forget and to escape reality now that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bear the unfair judgments of school towards me, my classmate’s prejudicial opinions, inferiority complex and most of all being misunderstood. What must I do to be understood and still retain my original self? I chose not to blend in with those heathens. I slacked off and almost always never did a satisfactory job in school but that did not automatically labeled me as an airhead or a doofus. They never knew but I knew a lot of things which they did not. I can admit to myself that I’m a prodigy of writing but due to inferiority complex and illogical judgment, I never attained the recognition I deserved. I was but a nobody. Although I was good, I never was in their perception. I was semi-surprised to see Ma’am Cecil’s shocked face when I mentioned that one of the major factors that hindered me to greatness are school and classmates. A complete and fully-detailed explanation would require too much time. I might as well not mention anything to her from now. It might just result to more prejudices.

That’s so far I can type for now. It can feel good to cut a vein into words. So good.