They Saw But They Didn't Know

Come to think of it, I haven't really posted anything about college or Manila life. Maybe I'm just too lazy to even begin or maybe I still have to recollect the scattered fragments here in this dumpsite a.k.a. my mind..

To begin, Manila living is twice as hard. Every little thing you do requires twice the money, twice the time and twice the energy required as it was in Puerto Princesa. Sometimes even thrice! Many view it as an inevitable hindrance but I on the other hand see it as an extra challenge. Probably those living here in Manila for a long time now perceive it as an everyday thing that needs no attention or explanation that comes in naturally. Well I'm someone else. It's something new to adapt to. It's somewhat like a new playground for me except that there's no actual playing here. Surviving are the rules. Of course I have engraved in my mind the set of rules my dear dad has given me.

1. Be brave
2. Be strong
3. Do the right thing

Well I can adapt. I can shape myself to blend into the new surroundings like a chameleon changing color according to its background. At least I learn to be independent. Mom always had this notion that I won't survive here all along. I've proven her wrong. "How can I send you to Manila if you act like that!?", "I'll cancel your enrollment!", "I'm going to have to make you stay here in Puerto!", "You can't prove to me that you're worthy enough to study in Manila!" Well look at where I am now.

Mom says she trusts me but I hardly felt it all my life. I know it's on the way I act! Many people commented that I act five years younger my age. Well what can I do? I can't just change myself that easily! I was born to be like this like a wolf is born to be vicious. I may act like one but I know deep inside I have my own sets of maturities too. Why can't they see that? Everytime mom would yell at me, I'm never given a chance to speak my mind. Damn her for that. I once told her that all she did before was break me. Surprising how she didn't comprehend a thing. She just doesn't know anything. I do something bad and she automatically thinks I'm a bad kid. Maybe that's how I acquired that negative notion of myself. Mom's wrongful comments.

Maybe now I'm starting to realize why the past year I was so catatonic and suicidal. Mom hardly said anything positive about me. Hell she would always compare me to Christine. That makes it more hellish. I'm older but I'm the less trusted. That's because they never saw... Nobody understood. No one. No one but Pops. Pops was so far the only one who trusted me completely and unconditionally no matter what I did. He never took control. He just set me free. He made me feel like an obedient dog without a leash. Thanks Pops... I'm glad to know you trusted me with your life. That alone is such a miracle.

I hope that one day Mom will see what I'm truly made of. I'm destined for greatness! Not only Mom but the entire damned Gabat family. Screw them all but of course except Ninang Mari and cousins and Raphael of course. At least they knew my other side of the coin. Thank you all for seeing without the use of eyes. Which gives me another quote idea.

The heart is the true instrument for sight.