No Cryng Over Spilled Milk

Crap! Since I missed up with those spammed Final Fantasy X results, I suddenly lost interest in continuing this blog! Almost impossible though! I'm gonna fix it!

Anyway, I don't have much time. I'm running out. Maybe later.

Wanderer

You're a wanderer...you don't really know where you
belong yet. You sometimes don't even really
know how you feel. Don't worry, everyone feels
that way sometimes. You don't really have an
idol at the moment.

Wow. Quite accurate! Yeah, I really am a wanderer both externally and internally.

You are Tidus. Wo0t.

Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by posted by Reika Lee at 8/13/2005 04:26:00 PM | 0 comments

You are Tidus. Wo0t.

Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by posted by Reika Lee at 8/13/2005 04:24:00 PM | 0 comments

You are Tidus. Wo0t.

Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by posted by Reika Lee at 8/13/2005 04:22:00 PM | 0 comments

Lyceum Debate Society II

Just a few more minutes from now and I'll be leaving this hop to head for school to attend another LDS meeting. As I've mentioned in my previous post, I like and hate it. I like it since I get to practice my brains and mouth and I hate it because time is consumed for intellectual activities instead for fun. This blog can be called fun! This is already my first priority upon sitting in front of the PC. Now comes the guilt of neglecting my concrete journal. I've been writing in it for two years now and it's still not even full. Too bad I can't spend the whole day with this "fun" now that there's the LDS to worry about.

I guess it was immature of me to think that debating is mainly a matter of charismatic speaking but crap, I was as wrong as hell. Brains mattered more. The thing is I've known that even while signing that application form up but I can't believe I let it slip off my mind! And now Glen even developed this point system wherein the one who scores the highest points will be labeled "Debater of the Month". Well I don't think I'm participating. Again, I don't believe in labels.

But still I do believe I'm good even if I don't have a neon sign above me that flashes "I'm good! I'm good!" Just my trust and belief will do and sky's the limit!

"No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within."
-Sora, Wielder of the Keyblade, Kingdom Hearts

Known and Forgotten

Tomorrow, another Lyceum Debate Society meeting awaits! What joy! I somewhat like and hate it and I can’t fully explain why. Absurd, even my decisions are schizophrenic! Well, people say that I’m not only dual-minded but autistic as well. Does my autism really expose itself through my everyday behavior? True that the hardest person to know is actually yourself. I know and don’t know myself. Now what kind of philosophy is that? I guess it’s also true that there are some things or facts in life that can never be entirely defined by words alone. Only experience can. Reminds me of that quote from Balto:

“A dog cannot do this journey alone but maybe… A wolf can…”

Words cannot explain this fact alone but maybe… Experience can…

Astounding! Whatta weird adaptation! But Balto is half-dog, half-wolf! So maybe it also applies in a thematic way that these facts can be explained by both words and experience when fused together! I’m gonna give that concoction a shot once I’m given the chance.

“Wait for me, I’ll write you letters”
I could see how you stand with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore
To hide the doubt when I turned back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I hung my head and said that I couldn’t wait?
But now I’m strong enough to know it’s not too late
-Jade of Sweetbox, 1000 Words, Final Fantasy X-2

And though I know
The world of real emotion has surrounded me
I won’t give into it
Now I know
That forward is the only way my heart can go
I hear your voice calling out to me
“You’ll never be alone”
-Jade of Sweetbox, real Emotion, Final Fantasy X-2

Damn, this is always almost every writer’s problem! The ideas evaporate once faced with a pen and paper! *Groan* Not a problem though! At least the evanesced ideas are instantaneously replaced with new (and sometimes better) ones! Wait, what was I planning to write about this morning? Now I’ve forgotten! Oh no! Does that mean I’m suffering from instant memory loss!? Must…drink…Sustagen…Prime…

Candies and Desires

Teh Candybag!

-My very own GBA SP (Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories!!)
-A PS3 (Fat chance!)
-An upgraded fully-playable PC at home
-Pants! (A wardrobe of skirts and shorts is...)
-That stuffed frog doll from Blue Magic
-A personalized bracelet
-A complete collection of Final Fantasy OSTs
-A voice recorder
-A cellphone with a flashlight attached to it
-My very own MP3 player (or just a portable CD player will do)
-A set of dictionaries, thesaureses and other vocabulary builders
-A complere set of the Harry Potter books
-Various collections of fantasy fiction novels (Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia)
-Various collections of novels
-A set of colored pens

The Dreamcase:

~Graduate with a degree in Journalism (and hopefully also Broadcasting)
~Gain a high position in a joined org in school
~Own a high-time school in the debates
~Win first place in a nationwide essay writing contest
~Be recognized
~Reunite my family
~Learn an entirely new language (Preferably Mandarin or Spanish)
~Bring glory to Lyceum

Hybrid of Good and Bad

Last night, Pops and I talked through the phone again and I heard a hybrid of good news and bad news. The family's doing alright but don't get to eat normal meals everyday. Mom's still reluctant on reconciliation but Pops still advised me not to blame her for everything that has happened. Money is also another problem in the family but still Pops told me not to think of debts and sympathy with the financials problems and worry more about how to go through college smoothly.

"A crisis is where Christ is." Nice wordplay technique but it holds much sense. Yeah, this crisis will come to an end. Nothing lasts forever if I am to remind myself. I was told that life is also a see-saw. Sometimes ascended, sometimes depressed and sometimes balanced. I hate writing too much about life. It's one topic that a thousand writers are already having ideas on. Just play it cool.

Just thirty more minutes before LDS meetings begin. To be honest, there are times when I don't feel as competent as my groupmates. We've lost a couple of debates now but we've also won a handful. One day, we'll own UST or DLSU or Ateneo or even UP! Just three more years and we'll be the reigning seniors of the LDS and again, we'll place this society on a position most unimaginable. Just three years worth of training will do and we'll be over the moons!

Hmm, maybe I should also write an entry about all the orgs in school that I signed up to and what my ambitions will be. To enumerate, there's the LyCAJS (Lyceum Communication Arts and Journalism Society), the LDS (Lyceum Debate Society), the Tanghalang Batingaw (A theatre org not under the school) and I'm planning to sign up either at the Sentinel (An independent school paper) or the Foreign Language Affairs! Good God, whatta list! But I'll manage!

Past Torments - When Time is Troubled

Time to pay attention the month of August. Again, time is so damn fast. So fast that it doesn’t even give chances for other more important things such as…thinking perhaps. From how I see it, hardly anyone bothers with thinking, saying it’s just a waste of time. But screw them! Thinking can actually change one’s life! I’m a living example! Too much thinking can result down to only two consequences. 1 – You soar higher or 2 – You are pulled down. Don’t argue with me regarding that! I’ve done too much thinking and both sequences have already befallen upon me! Now I’m brought back to the year 2004. My darkest and most desperate year. The year when I experienced implicit anguish. Thinking played a large part in that emotional darkness. In my mind were conclusions that I was one worthless wench.

This might take long both in time and writing space but one attempt is worthwhile. It’s been one short and fast year since I was once saturated in that well of darkness. Even when the sun shone, it could not illuminate away the unseen blackness I was in. This so called darkness was composed of a whirlwind of frustrations and they included my crisis of a family quandary, my pitiful studying performance back in Fourth Year High School, the thought of being left behind in college applications and most of all, the fear that I may never be reborn from the sin of addiction to Ragnarok Online. Now the task of thinking revolved concurrently among all those plagues. What was I to do? I was helpless. Greatly helpless. I couldn’t do anything and those damned opinions from Mom never helped a thing. “How can you possibly go to college if you’re like that!?” Maybe if only Mom reconciled with pops about their crisis then maybe all this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I once blamed Mom for being largely responsible for what I was then and she just reacted hysterically saying that I should put the blame on Pops. Well I’ve done that already a long time ago and I’ve done it in the past and I’ve done it too much! Why can’t Mom ever accept her deficiencies for once, always saying that it’s all Pop’s fault? Pops also had faults among us but what did we do? We forgave him, didn’t we!?

Mainly that time, I played Ragnarok Online not to have fun but to forget. RO has this unexplainable alcohol effect. Every time I log into the game, all problems just evanesce and are replaced with ataraxy. The only difference with the game and alcohol is that RO won’t alter your way of thinking. I was thankful for RO for that. It was an alter-dimensional reverie. An escape portal from the cruelty and tyranny of reality. That was RO’s purpose to me that time.

So I played RO to forget and to escape reality now that I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bear the unfair judgments of school towards me, my classmate’s prejudicial opinions, inferiority complex and most of all being misunderstood. What must I do to be understood and still retain my original self? I chose not to blend in with those heathens. I slacked off and almost always never did a satisfactory job in school but that did not automatically labeled me as an airhead or a doofus. They never knew but I knew a lot of things which they did not. I can admit to myself that I’m a prodigy of writing but due to inferiority complex and illogical judgment, I never attained the recognition I deserved. I was but a nobody. Although I was good, I never was in their perception. I was semi-surprised to see Ma’am Cecil’s shocked face when I mentioned that one of the major factors that hindered me to greatness are school and classmates. A complete and fully-detailed explanation would require too much time. I might as well not mention anything to her from now. It might just result to more prejudices.

That’s so far I can type for now. It can feel good to cut a vein into words. So good.