My Zhou Xun

I've always been telling myself to finally write about this. Why can't I just finally drive myself to begin? It's not only because beginning is the hardest thing to do just as the hardest part in the book to write is page one. There is something else... I can't seem to levitate these glassy fragments of thoughts and materialize them together into one crystal entity.

Just why the fuck am I so erratically poetic today? Now there goes profanity. Maybe this is what happens to me when I'm in love, but being in love with my Zhou Xun is worth all this confoundedness. And all this time he has been waiting for me... How could I've been so cold and heartless?

Wah! I can't write in a straight and organized manner! Well I normally write erratically but why at this very intense degree?! Zhou Xun, please put my mind back together in their right places! What ever have you done to me?!

But surprisingly, I like this paranoia! Weeeeee!!

Here's the poem I wrote for him more than a year ago:

G - ive me a good reason why
I - should give this angel a chance
A - new page torn from a book begins to fly
N - ew era gives birth to romance

C - an you see it, taste it, touch it, feel it?
A - rise in the heavens is a gleaming sphere it flies
R - isen to shine among a dark lifeless land
L - evitating souls with spirits lit
O - pened eyes to distant skies is where the heart will understand

And here's the one he requested for me:

One time she asked me what I love about her. I answered "EWAN". Well I really don't know, but now I guess I've found the reasons why I love you so.

These are the things I love about you:

Your eyes
Which first held me captivated
Where I stood

Your smile
To dazzle the sun
And warm every corner of my soul

Your voice
Like a sparkling mountain stream
Which has flown into my heart

Your walk
And the way your gracefulnes
Takes my breath away

Your hair
About which I dreamt
Cascading into my face
As you leaned over me

Your hands
Whose caress I crave
To hold my face
In their tenderness

Your arms
I long to have around my neck
As you pull me close
To your warmth

Most of all
Everything you are
Changed the way I felt about my life

Wo Ai Ni Lady Jiea

Wo Ie Ai Ni Zhou Xun ^^

Lovelorn

Lovelorn
Leaves' Eyes

You are a wandering shining star
You light up the sky, you take me so far
Take me far
One crystal inside my lonely heart
You light up my life, I embrace your light
You're my light

You're my healer, I am lovelorn
In the cool breeze, I hear your sweet voice
I'm your treasure, I am forlorn
In the rain, I feel your warm tears

I can't forgive God and myself
I should have been there to give you strength
Be your strength
One kingdom below the dark blue sea
Hides my lovely Amelie
I love you Amelie

All In The Mind

What you are now is all in the mind

Wish I could believe that, or I wish I could channel enoguh chakra (inner strength) to actually believe that. Kuya Irvin once told me not to worry too much and just relax. Everything that happens, good or bad, is only as good or as bad as how we think it is. Problem is I can't seem to drive myself to think positively. Negativity and depression swamp me entirely. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't concentrate. And it worsens now that it's the Final Exam week.

Jeffrey told me to always look on the positive side. Thinking of bad thoughts can lead me to ridiculous and even unrealistic conclusions. I'm trying ok? I'm trying. You think it's easy?

Passion

For so many years have ceased
And so has been apathetic this heart of mine
For so many tears have failed to appease
And once again this heart entwines

Reborn. That's what my heart is now.

Wow. I have so many to write about but I don't know what or how to start! Arice is right. The hardest part to write in any literary piece is always page one. No wonder I have left so many pending stories unwritten. I don't want to begin with page one.

All this time I never knew Carlo was waiting for me. Even after what I did to him more than a year ago. I can remember. It was January of 2005. Should I even write about it?

Maybe I better write this piece next time or in my very personal journal. Haha... All this is more than a miracle.

If I recall, far far away
The future was shining on everywhere
Beneath the beautiful blue sky
We were just a little afraid

If we advance forth, can we ever meet again?
The future goes on to everywhere
Beneath the large signboard
I want to keep watching the eras changing
-Utada Hikaru, Passion

A Knight Unarmored

A Knight Unarmored
March 14, 2006
One of my few random poems

There was once a knight
And alone she was or ever
As she knew no friends, no comrades
Nor a lover
Yet she did have one that
Have not the others
A metallic heart like no other

She did have a sword to slash
A shield to defend, to stop a clash
And a spear to brandish
She wore her armor dignified and strong
Yet deep inside she's crippled and famished

Bellicose she is in the battlefield
Yet fearful deep in soul and heart
No wounds bleed on her white skin
But freely it flows from
A heart that's broken
And broken it will
Forever be

Outside she was strong, fierce
Invulnerable, yet inside she is
Weak, powerless and crying
Though from her skin no blood flows
Colorless blood gushes from her eyes
They are tears...
And how they hurt for
Blood is pain
Tears are agony

Element Control

Your power is: Being a controller of an element

Explanation: Whether it is earth, fire,
air or water or even all of them, you can
control that element. That means you can
manipulate their physical form and with just
thoughts and make an inferno for example. In
good purposes it can be used to protect but
in evil purposes it is used to hurt.
As a person you are slightly 'odd'. People see
you as different and probably has prejudices
against you. They see you as 'weird' or the
'freak', and either that hurts really much or
you chose to ignore it. You keep your hatred
for people inside and probably daydream about
killing them, which gives you satisfaction.
Truth is you are not evil, only
missunderstood and mistreated.
Negative aspects: Since you have deep
problems inside you could get into some sort
of mental illness or simply get depressed (if
you aren't already).

Nowhere

Damn it. I am so bummed and used up. I'm probably gonna fail Rizal and NSTP for this semester. Might as well atone for these failures by taking them up next year and actually paying for those six wasted units. To comfort myself mentally, at least I didn't practically waste away a year's worth of tuition fee. I have a classmate who's been a college freshman for four years now! Currently he's in Accountancy and the last three years he spent them on BS Math, Nursing and the other one I've forgotten. Kaku spent one year in UST with Literature and is back to square one here in Lyceum. My dream course... Arice is still in college and she's already 23 years old.

Another stupid mistake I've made is actually shifting to International Relations (formerly Foreign Service) major in Diplomacy though signing up for Broadcasting is an even more absurd decision in the first place. Maybe I was just fooling around with myself when I said I'm actually interested in politics. Well it is an intriguing subject but it doesn't automatically mean I'll devote my imminent career and education to that field! God! Shift me back to Journalism! It's the only course in school where I can breathe properly! And Chino also advised me to follow my heart, chase it to wear it runs no matter how wide and endless the horizon becomes.

I was actually amazed when Arice did her journalistic assignment whe she was assigned to cover the Mr. and Mrs. Lyceum event last friday. With a digital camera hanging around her neck and a pen and paper in one hand, amazing! That time I was slapped by my conscience to actually make up my mind on what I really want, and I want Journalism though I would have preferred Literature anytime. Might as well shift back next year. Just why do I have to be so fucked up?

To Myself I Turned

I was talked to when I wanted to be listened to.
I was advised when I needed to be understood.

This morning Angkong finally flew back to Palawan. It was a nice yet raspy visit for Angkong's advice can get boring and repetitive but I cannot argue that they are dull. 72 years worth of life is unfathomable wisdom. Last night he said that I was only in kindergarten stage in the school of life whilst he's already a graduate. Pops is around the high school level.

Damn it. Adults think they know everything. They immediately advice without fully understanding what really is going on. It's always the same old story. Every time I want to say something, I'm automatically asked to sit down and listen and I can't even interrupt and if I do, I'm labeled a disrespectful kid. That's why I'd rather not mess with adult business or anyone else's. They'd never understand anyway. Not even my own parents or sisters. Not even my family. No one understands me. No one does.

I have my own ideals and philosophy. Why do they try to change that? People are despicable creatures that's why I'd rather not conform to their absurd beliefs and ideologies. I am my own person and I don't want anyone messing with me.

I was born in another world
Strictly connected to a piece of my mind
Nothing more than a little land
It is a small cradle when I'm a kid

I am the princess in there
Nothing wrong in my fantasy world
I am the king, the nation
No dictators or religions

No laws laid for for me
I have my own liberty inside of me
Nothing to lose, I want to live here

As you see, I'm the only survivor in this land
-Lacuna Coil, To Myself I Turned

Wish Upon A Wishlist

Most Wanted Albums:

Karmacode - Lacuna Coil
Unleashed Memories - Lacuna Coil
Halflife and the EPs - Lacuna Coil
Underworld: Evolution Original Soundtrack
Once - Nightwish
Century Child - Nightwish
Oceanborn - Nightwish
In Love And Death - The Used
Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge - My Chemical Romance
Discovering The Waterfront - Silverstein
Second Stage Turbine Blade - Coheed and Cambria
In Keeping Secrets Of Silent Earth - Coheed and Cambria
Where You Want To Be - Taking Back Sunday
Tales of a Librarian - Tori Amos
Waking Hour - Vienna Teng
Final Fantasy X Original Soundtrack
Final Fantasy X Piano Collections
Final Fantasy X-2 Vocal Collections
Influence - Urbandub
The Infatuation Is Always There - Typecast
Saydie - Saydie

Most Wanted Games:

Kingdom Hearts II - Square-Enix
Final Fantasy XII - Square-Enix
Devil May Cry III: Dante's Awakening - Capcom
Metal Gear 3: Snake Eater - Konami
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - Rockstar
Star Ocean: Till The End Of Time - Square-Enix
Makai Kingdom - Cero
Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness - Eidos

Seeing in Black

Your eyes behold darkness.
You love the darkness and the feeling that it gives
you when you're outside at night under a full
or new moon. There's absolutely nothing like
it.

When someone looks into your eyes they see the moon
and the stars.

What do your eyes behold? {Beautiful pictures in results.}
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Spiral Into One

It's March again.

Supposed to have Filipino2 classes today but I'm 30 minutes late. Even if I do enter the classroom, I'll still be marked absent since I was already 30 minutes late. But at least in college, it's not as hectic and you can actually plot your own schedule. Until now I still can't believe I survived ten damn years of elementary and high school. Ten hours a day from Monday to Friday. Now ain't that nice for a kid?

This week we celebrate Lyceum of the Philippines University's (Right! We're a university now!) 54th Foundation Week. There are food booths and stalls selling accessories outside! I'd rather have fun or sit in front of the TV with no one but my best friend my PlayStation 2 and just toil away with Devil May Cry 3 or Metal Gear: Snake Eater. Tonight there's the Search for Mr. and Mrs. Lyceum and Kaku's a candidate! Haha! Can't wait to see him topless with only bikini briefs on! I'm not perverted!

So far I'm enjoying In a Reverie, Lacuna Coil's first album and Identity Four (ID4), the two CDs Tito Mike bought me from Moscow, Russia. Goth Metal is a siren's voice played by a demonic orchestra. Though not essentially evil or satanic, it somehow delivers a dark message both emotionally and spiritually to the listeners. It is of their influence I now act and think like a Goth though I don't normally dress like one (e.g. All Black with silver spiked jewelry)

Why can't I write just about one topic? But I can spiral a dozen topics into one entry.