Thursday, January 26, 2006

Darkness is my Ally

I know why you wanna hate me
I know why you wanna hate me
I know why you wanna hate me
'Coz hate is all the world has ever seen lately!
-Limp Bizkit, Take A Look Around

I will not let emotion be the impetus of my existence...

I hate emotion.
I hate these tears.
Hate is all I have left...

Now I fully understand why Love and Hate are akin to each other. Hate is the rescusitation of darkness within. Yet darkness is but my ally. I refuse to serve it my master. Emotion is on the other end. A very formidable enemy yet a very petty and weak ally. Many times I have mindlessly let emotion overwrite my judgment and the result has placed me on a downward spiral perennially being tormented by emotion. They wear a mask called gentleness and behind it hides deception. An indirect decent into deceit.

Curse those lamebrains who perceive goths as spawns of evil. Such simple-mindedness. I don't know whether I should be annoyed or enlightened. The world's stupidity too is an asinine matter. We are against evil yet we use its source - the darkness - as weapons of our own as well. We are vested with this uncanny sight to see the beauty in darkness. Then we channel all this darkness for the positivity, for the greater good. We work in ways so eccentric that we are mistaken. Misunderstood. Misinterpreted.

How great it is to be weird.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Metallic

"Yeah, we've been together for three years and he turned out to be bullshit after all."
-My friend Jette regarding her ex-boyfriend

Until now I still can't seem to vaporize this antipathy towards Sonny a.k.a. my fucked up ex-boyfriend. So much I hate him that It makes me wanna kill him TWICE. If you wanna know how to kill someone twice then allow me to elaborate. First I'm gonna kill him reeeeaaaal good. And if ever I'm still craving for more, I'm gonna go straight after him in hell and kill him again. And that my good friend, is killing someone TWICE! Damn it. If only I was the devil's mistress then I could have reserved him the deepest and most infernal pit in hell there is.

Without that bastard in my life, I feel a strange new freedom. No more overprotective duff demanding my schedule and location, no more consistent oathbreaker who always promises he'll come visit me when he eventually won't (Damn him! He never visited me fir two months!), no more pathetic and senseless arguments from him and most of all, no more heartbreaks and headaches to further distract me to the abyss of academic failure!

For now I don't wanna have a boyfriend yet. I don't want another chunk of shit in my toilet bowl to further mess my life up. The day Sonny and I broke up, it hurt... It feels as if a knife with jagged edges is driving itself slowly and deeply into my heart and it recoils as it bleeds. Swiftly the following day, it metallizes, deflecting the knife away. A metallic heart. Such apathy and impassiveness yet a rampart metallic heart that can stand on its own without external assistance. That's what I've become of...

Monday, January 16, 2006

Beauty of Solitude

HASH(0x8ca7068)

You are dark! You are a loner and a sad person. You are the quiet one in your group and you don't like to talk much. You are very dark and not many people like you because you're a loner. But you still have a few friends.

What element are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

But let's correct a few erroneous things about moi!
1. I do have friends. I have only a few because I don't just befriend anyone. I choose them well.
2. I am only quiet in public but exceedingly spontaneous in friendly company.
3. I am not the quiet one in the group. In fact I am the mst luquacious one.
4. I am only very dark within myself.
5. But yeah, not many people like me 'coz I am loner. Who gives a shit when I'm enjoying it anyway?

No One But Me

"A lighthouse's base is always dark."
-Japanese Quote

I guess it was fate that bound the threads of friendship between Omachi-san and I. I'm glad to have sought something in common between the two of us - desire for solitude and isolation. Omachi-san has deep interest in Philosophy, probably one of the very few people who understands my adherances and credences without holding hostile opinions. Also we both think in ways so different from the conformity.

And about the quote above, it actually means that one who prioritizes others too much does not even know himself. A lighthouse's blinding top provides ample lighting to the passing ships yet it itself is not shed even a lustre of light upon. A person similar to a lighthouse knows others but doesn't know himself. Helps others but doesn't love himself. Understands others but doesn't understand himself.

Omachi-san told me. People who blend in with other people just hide the shameful truth that they can't be by themselves. They laugh at us loners for having no friends yet we laugh at them for being unable to befriend themselves. Do they not know that the hardest one to befried is one's self? Such weaklings of emotions!

I guess we loners don't have much to be sad about after all! Not only loners but weirdos to boot! And we weirdos will always be WAY smarter than them!

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Lost

I can't think!
I don't know what to write about!
I'm lost... Someone find me...

I need a new obsession! A purpose... Something to pivot around on!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A Current Obsession

Life is like a toilet bowl. Perennially, it has has some little or even loaded with shit but then it all gets flushed down in the end and is replaced with fresh clean water!

RF Online... I need a new obsession.

I've been deeply contemplating on whether I should begin playing RF Online or not since I need a new hobby to keep me entertained. But following the Law of Equivalent Trade; In order to gain one thing, you must lose something of equal value, hence in having anew world to transport me out of this shit known as real life, I have many prices to pay in order to do so.

1. Less money in my wallet: Internet Cards and PC Rentals and Gaming Load now that RF is pay-to-play
2. Lack of concentration in everything... Writing passion, school, friends, life...
3. Consumed time for everything.
4. A lost sanity. A lost life...

Damn this. Maybe should channel this wavering will to commence a few planned novel ideas and poems. I will not be trifled with by a mere online game.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Gemini - The Twins

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life.
You love change and are able to adapt to any situation.

Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life.

Your gemstone: Emerald

Your flower: Lily of the Valley

Your colors: Yellow, red, and green
What Does Your Birth Month Mean?

Gemini (May 22 - June 21)
Almost all these are so amazingly accurate...!
Taken from Astrology Online

The sign is linked with Mercury, the planet of childhood and youth, and its subjects tend to have the graces abd faults of the young.

While no animal appears to be associated with your sign other than the wolf in which is seen to be the nurturing force for another set of 'twins', Romulas and Remus. The twins themselves are their own sign representatives.

Traditional Gemini Traits:
Adaptable and Versatile
Communicative and Witty
Intellectual and Eloquent
Youthful and Lively

On the Dark Side...

Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

Likes:
Talking
Novelty and the unusual
Variety in life
Multiple projects all going at once
Reading

Dislikes:
Feeling tied down
Learning, such as school
Being in a rut
Mental inaction
Being alone

Geminians in General:
-Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is dual-natured, elusive, complex and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and flightiness.
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Like children they are lively and happy, if circumstances are right for them, egocentric, imaginative and restless.

Personality and Motives:
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Since they lack the quality of conscientiousness, they are apt to fight a losing battle in any attempts they make to be moral (in the widest sense of the word).
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They are affectionate, courteous, kind, generous, and thoughtful towards the poor and suffering provided none of the activities resulting from expressing these traits interferes too greatly with their own lives and comforts.
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They quickly learn to use their outward attractiveness to gain their own ends, and when striving for these they will use any weapon in their armory - unscrupulous lying and cunning evasiveness; escaping blame by contriving to put it on other people, wrapped up in all the charm they can turn on.
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If things go against them, they sulk like children. Also like children, they demand attention, admiration and the spending on them of time, energy and money, throwing tantrums if they don't get what they want.

Geminian Intellect:
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Most Gemini have a keen, intuitive, sometimes brilliant intelligence and they love cerebral challenges. But their concentration, though intense for a while, does not last.
-T
heir mental agility and energy give them a voracious appetite for knowledge from youth onward, though they dislike the labor of learning.

In Relationships:
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In less serious situations they make witty, entertaining companions, good acquaintances rather than friends.
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Even at their worst they are never dull - there is usually playfulness below the surface, and they can be brilliant conversationalists - but they can also be quarrelsome, prattlers, boasters, liars and cheats.

Career:
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Geminians can be successful in many walks of life though their general characteristics tend to make them unreliable.
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They are often skilled manipulators of language, in speech and writing, and may be: debaters, diplomats (though in politics they are more interested in theory than practice), orators, preachers (brilliant rather than profound), teachers, authors, poets, journalists, or lawyers.
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They can also make excellent members of the Armed Forces, for they take danger no more seriously than anything else and can earn themselves a reputation for devotion to duty and heroic acts.
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Negatively they can degenerate into confidence tricksters, thieves and even adepts in the black arts.