Commencement of a New Chance

Jiea Dee's New Year's Resolution for the Grandeur of 2006

1. Read the newspaper and Time Magazine for initial knowledge of current political and foreign affairs. (I should. I'm a Diplomacy student.)

2. Give literary life to my concrete journal. (Curse this blog for gravitating me to abandon it!)

3. Habitualize to write all sorts of poetry and prose such as dark elegies, fight scenes, fan fiction, ballads, and the synonymous like.

4. Begin and expand a collection of Rock albums (Lacuna Coil most especially!)

5. Learn to play the guitar and the drums. (Although looking for a trainer is one fat chance)

6. Learn to drive a car and ride (or miraculously own) a motorcycle (preferably a Honda Dream)

7. Own a GameBoy Advance SP (Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories) and have my PlayStation2 converted to direct loading.

8. Begin at least one of my three novel ideas pivoting around knightly characters. (Hiring a character designer for a male Holy Knight and a female Dark Knight)

9. Finish either Beyond Destiny or The White Mage and the Slasher (My two forgotten Final Fantasy X fan fictions)

10. Attend classes punctually especially those that begin at 7:00am and 8:30am (Next semester, I'd rather sign up for an all-afternoon sched. I hate waking up early)

11. Do well in school. (A resolution over and over again promised and a promise over and over again failed).

12. I'll find him... My beloved knight... Even if I have to walk across the darkest lunarscapes just to finally see this dream that visits my nocturnal reveries...

Ever felt away with me
Just once that all I need
Entwined with finding you one day

Ever felt away without me
My love, it lies so deep
Ever dream of me
-Nightwish, Ever Dream

Quintessence

Where have all the feelings gone?
Why has all the laughter ceased?

Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Gone back in time to bless the child
Think of me long enough to make a memory
Come bless the child one more time
-Nightwish, Bless The Child

Dilatory my post is I know but still allow me to write about this glorious monstrosity.

As I hover back on my older posts here on Lunette, I recall reading an entry named "Cry". It speaks of how black and contorted the tears we shed are.

Sadness. Grief. Agony. Pain. Delusion. Atrophy. Rejection. Desolation. Ambivalence. Chaos. Confusion. Loss. Destruction. Derision. Hate. Antipathy. Darkness...

Those were always the provenance of our tears. Such acolytes of negativity they are. Yet I have to assume that they too play a vital role in the lives we lead. Not only vital but a quintessence. We cannot forever walk with good alone. Evil somehow in some way has to be involved. It's the very matter that gives essence to good.

No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within.
-Sora, Kingdom Hearts

To You My Beloved

Kimi He (To You)
Performed by Mayuko Aoki (Final Fantasy X-2's Yuna's Japanese Voice-Actress)
Lyrics by Daisuke Watanabe

Being surrounded by the sound of rain that sounds like sighs
I realize that words are powerless

There's only one thing that reaches me
Yes, I touch the cold cheek with my palm and feel it

Close the gap between the two of us with that empty warmth
So we can share this time as our hearts beat
With our eyes closed

Walking with you in the afternoon, without any reason I wonder
If these days will come to an end someday...

Bind the connection between the two of us with that small warmth
Ringing life and burning love
Dye this moment

Even if the dream wishing to stop time disappears
In this world where everything fades
This moment I live with you now
It isn't a dream...

Even if that empty warmth moves away to the distance
The moment our souls touch each other, dwell on the feelings of tomorrow
I won't forget that dear palm so
I'll reach you... I'll meet you... For sure...
By passing over even darkness...



I dream of him again - My beloved knight... How I wish I could be by his side...

The Inevitable

December 27th, 2005 11:45am

Condolence... Don't worry. He's in a better place now. I never knew my grandpa 'coz the year he died was the year I was born. I really wanted to meet him... Came from a humble star but carved his destiny. The man who changed and steered the lives of his ten sons and daughters. He was a great man and I feel your grandpa was too. You were lucky you met yours. He did not die because he lives in our hearts and in our memories until it's our turn. Unlike me, I don't have any. But you know what? He did the next best thing. He gave me three mothers and a family. And for that I am forever grateful...

Thanks Jeff. That made me feel better...

Just last night a few minutes before midnight, we received news. It was from the inevitable. Mom called up. She told me that PapaTony has finally passed away. I was surprised of course. I never expected it to be this soon. He was such a good man. Mom couldn't stop herself from crying last night. Christine too cried without warning. I guess grandparental love too is inborn. I cried too although I've spent quite some tears before we left Manila.

Christine and I reminisced our last summer vacation in their home in Las Pinas. We remembered PapaTony's extreme kindness and hospitality to us. He welcomed us with open arms especially me despite being a relentless rebel. How he had the PC in good working condition just for us, how he brought us all the way to Glorietta and ATC just to go sight-seeing, and all those food trips in McDonald's and Burger King with them. Haha... I remember. He and MamaLud would usually cut a Fish Fillet in half and share it. Those were the days...

I couldn't blame Pops for being emotionally ballistic too last night.

"PapaTony... He was such a good man. Even after all the horrible things I did to your mom, he never hated me, he never swore at me. I can't believe I couldn't make it to his final moments. The last time I saw him was on October. He was still healthy that time... I'm glad I managed to talk to him one last time on the 24th."

I never knew that would be the very last time I'll see him alive. In the hospital. We all couldn't stand to see him like that. Everyone was crying out of Patony's sight. All of them. Tito Bubot was always seen crying alone. Mom and Ninang Mari always couldn't help but shed tears whenever the topic's about Patony. One night I saw Tita Cherry crying on Rapahel's shoulder. Even Tito Joey and Tito Mike couldn't help but cry. So much Raphael and I just wanted to walk out of the scene. We can't take this burdenful sadness.

But the good thing is at least now Patony's no longer suffering. He is in peace now. And we're all thankful that Patony truly was a great man here on earth and we're thankful for him that he lived to celebrate his Golden Anniversary and have 21 grandchildren. It could've been more festive if he had great-grandchildren too. Too bad Ate Tweet and Kranium still do not wish to marry. Haha...

Mom told me... Patony's death was very timely. He was finally informed on the 23rd that he had cancer. Seven days later came his time. A few short moments before going, he gave his final will and words. Only two breaths after his last letters, the inevtiable hovered down and came. at least he had his wish granted. Peace before death and peace hereafter.

He is gone and we are still alive. Once I fly back to Manila, I'll pay my tributes and gain life-meaningful lessons from him. It's still a long time before our turn comes...

And one more thing... I'm deeply gratified to live to have complete sets of grandparents for 17 years. Thank you Lord. I'm grateful. All of us. We're forever grateful.

But as the stars are going out
And this stage is full of nothing
And the friends have all but gone
For my life my god I'm singing
-Lacuna Coil, Stars

La Morte Li Abbraccerà

Wow. December has been the most dormant month for Lunette Reverie for the record. Either procrastination has dominated or I don't have enough time to go visit a shop and type or simply both. Tsk. But no matter! At least December is granted with very lengthy ad senseful posts!

Death

In your creation heaven did decree
That in your arms sweet death should dwell
Deep Silent Complete
Black velvet sea
The sirens are calling for me
-Nightwish, Deep Silent Complete

Our departure from Manila was an amalgamation of laughter and tears. How I wanted to smile for I'm about to see my father and sisters again in Puerto yet I cannot do so. It somehow saddens me to see my Mom crying. PapaTony is about to go and no one can stop that. It's inevitable. Somehow I was told that hereafter it continues through a course called an "Afterlife". Personally, I fear death though I know it is undergone in the end. Just the word itself by the letter chills me to the core.

While at the hospital around a week ago, how much I wanted to walk out of the room. Not because I was bored and had nothing to do but but I couldn't stand to see PapaTony like that. For the first time in my life and the second time in Mom's had we seen PapaTony cry. He couldn't eat. Even everyone on the family couldn't help but cry. They tried not to do it in front of Patoy. He might succumb to the inevitable.

No Good Title

Yesterday I just visited my dentist for the monthly adjustment of my braces. The retainers are bound January or February! At long last! After almost three long years I'm finally free from these accursed contraptions! And take a good conjecture of the color of my new braces. Black! Looks well with my nails and love for Goth-Metal though I don't dress like a Rocker Chock nor a Goth.

Wow... Just this morning before I attended my Rizal class, Neo handed me a gift bag. "That's from Jeff." He said. I looked inside. In it was the stuffed frog doll I've been longing to possess in Blue Magic! He remembered! And with it too were a box of Brownies, Alamat ng Gubat by Bob Ong, a photocard of Yuna in Dark Knight form and unreal! That Highest Hopes Album by Nightwish! Damn! I'm gonna make this up to him even if it won't be as much! This is just too big a goody bag to receive for Christmas!

Nightwish is amazing. A very fast and progressive Goth-Metal band. But Tarja's voice is half a step less eluding than that of Cristina Scabbia's. The lyrics are esoteric, almost at the same degree as Lacuna Coil's. Nightwish truly is a band worth contemplating with one's inner sanctums.

Crap. I feel so drained. I can't write noe think properly. I guess writing should only be done in good or perfect condition or it will likely result to disasters rather dreams.

Circle of Regrets

What is for?
What is sacred?
In my circle of regrets
Circle of regrets

These stone tears are falling down on me
All my regrets...
-Lacuna Coil, Circle

Christmas is nearing but I'm hardly feeling it...

I also can't believe I've had this blog for half a year now. Also I can't believe I managed to be away from my family for half a year too. Time is so mysteriously fast. So fast in ways that we can't explain. The older we grow, the faster it goes, and the number it gets. For the first time in my life, how I wish I could be a kid again. Since I turned 15, I feel apathetic to the vespertine world. Life is such an inevitable punishment. Set me free but I don't mean death. I don't wish to die. I fear death.

I fear it...

I miss my gaming life. For once I want to indulge in hours on my PS2 again and just spend two days straight playing Final Fantasy X and X-2, Kingdom Hearts, Dragon Quest, Makai Kingdom. The PS3 is bound on 2007. I hope I'll be prudent and diligent enough to save for one although our financial status does not permit me to afford it.

I have regrets. Many of them. And don't even think about asking me to write them down on paper. Stay away. Don't break me from within...

I need more
All I want is to break
My circle of regrets
Circle of regrets

Is there any solution?
I want to find the way to escape...to go away

Towards The End

One night while looking around in National Bookstore, my cellphone rung. I answered it. It was Mom. I was surprised to hear her crying. It's about my grandfather who has just undergone an operation in his liver. I understood since Mom really is a naturally touchy and sensitive person. She cries easily especially over grave and personal topics. At first I simply thought that Mom was just worried about PapaTony but I never knew the news she would bring was more than alarming.

PapaTony has liver cancer.

I knew all along Patony was a very sickly person since he first stepped into old age but I never expected this! But after all, he already is 75 years old and he's been surgically operated many times now. The last time I visited him he was throughly bed-ridden. He couldn't move. Maybe his time has almost come. Death is inevtible but unwritten in the scrolls of human life.

Patony himself doesn't know he has cancer but Mom and my other aunts and uncles already know. Even Tito Mike from Canada has been informed. They fear that if Patony finds out he has cancer, he'll lose all will to live and just choose death over suffering. Mom and I understand that Patony is old and is near the end but at least, just at least, he must not die in pain. He deserves to die peacefully. And we should all be thankful that he managed to live past 70 years and that he and Mamalud were gifted to celebrate their Golden Wedding Anniversary. Only a very few live to experience such a gift.

I feel somewhat teary-eyed as I write this. Sure Patony was somewhat a chronic self-righteous and financially adviser and a very strict disciplinarian but he was very generous to all of us. He's a good man, an industrious insurance agent, a "crap son of a bitch" according to Mamalud, and a very loving grandfather. Of course we'll all miss him. From the way I write this, it's as if he really is going to pass soon. I'm not rushing his death. I just feel like his time is coming soon. Very soon. Old age, cancer, several operations... Those are enough to prophecize the end...

"After five years, college narin ako! Yay!" said my little sister Pauline as she looked out the terrace with a look of hopeful happiness.

"Five years..." Mamalud, my grandmother, said to herself quietly. "Will I still be around five years from now?"

"Bakit Mamalud? Saan ka pupunta after five years?" Pauline asked naively.

Before Mamalud could answer, I quickly interrupted. "Malayo. Sa malayo pupunta si Mamalud."

"Malayo? Saang malayo?" Pauline asked again.

"Basta malayo..." I ended the conversation.

A place of no return... When will it be my time to go there...?

The Dark Shadowed Side

Eyes of Death - Your soul posesses Eyes of Death.
The darkest and most dangerous of all eyes
one's soul can posesess, you live life seeing
the world through darkness and pain. The sun
does not exist in your world and the tears you
cry are made of blood. You have few if any
friends and none of them are close to you.
Your emotions have become numb over time, and
you feel as if all you are waiting for is
death's cold kiss. You probably have the
ability to write the most beautiful poetry this
world has ever seen, and you probably
understand many things about the world that
others could not possibly imagine. You see
things for what they are, and you are never
afraid to be blunt. Your eyes scream of
desparation, but no one ever tries to see the
pain that lives inside you every day of your
life. The darkness is your master, and you do
not see that changing any day soon.

What Type of Eyes Does Your Soul Have?

"Hey Jiea! You've been a little dark-sided lately! Everytime I see you walking around, you always have your head down and you look at the ground instead of ahead and you look as if you don't even know where you're going!"

"Who knows, Jeff. I told you, I'm schizophrenic. I get occasional mood swings. Sometimes I feel hyper and now I feel nonchalant. Maybe I have to admit that I really am goth... I just don't dress like one."

Hell I might be even catatonic...

Fritz once commented the same thing. A year ago he said I was so desolated that even minor disturbances could drive me to go berserk. Many people kept their distance from me that time. I didn't want to concede that darkness stirs within me. If I only mastered the basics of HTML then I would have given this blog an electronic surgical beautification that can somehow portray my disposition! I've gotten overdozed by the color of snow and of the heavens. Luckily I managed to scavenge this shady picture of a lunar eclipse. All I have to do is to ask Arice for assistance and my blog shall be as dark as my disposition!

Why the moon, you ask? First and foremost, this blog's name is Lunette Reverie. Lunette is an unlikely adjective which means 'shaped like a crescent moon'. Reverie is a noun which means 'A state of being lost in thought.' I amalgamated the two words to create a disposition of myself. The moon emits a faint luster and is the only powerful source of light in the night sky yet it is surrounded by darkness. Reveries are then my dwellings. I spent half my spiritual time in these shadowed troves.

"Let's go this way, Fritz! There's too many people there! I hate people!"

"'Crowds', Jiea. Not people."